Didn’t read from my Advent pick yesterday and almost didn’t post today because…
life stuff. (could be worrying and/or triggering, talk of suicide, I’m currently okay though)
I flirted with a 23-hr stint with suiciding by dehydration because while my dentist merely suggested that I try to reduce sugar intake (mainly sugary drinks) and/or try to brush more often (I do try, I just haven’t found a way to reliably get myself to do it more than once a day about half the week—but effort doesn’t matter if it doesn’t 100% pay off, does it?) and/or at least swish with water after drinking something sugary, but my dad wants me to cut sugar out entirely.
Thing is, though, I have sensory issues. Incredibly picky eater. Almost certainly autistic (and definitely ADHD, but I think that might have less bearing on this? Not entirely sure tho). Everything that I’m physically capable of drinking has sugar in it—even milk, which I was sort of surprised about but does make sense. Cows do, after all, have sugar in their diet from the plants they eat.
Water is foul. I absolutely cannot get it down, no matter what, unless it comes straight from a drinking fountain, for some reason. Can’t even put water fountain water in a cup or bottle, and I can’t drink tap water either, even though it’s all the same thing. If I haven’t been able to drink it at all for these last 27 years and change, I’m not going to suddenly start being able to. And fake sugar is foul. It might start out tolerable or even fine, but as I eat/drink more (even with breaks in between—even with long breaks in between), it just gets worse and worse until I can’t stomach it. It’s nauseating. And then black coffee and tea? Well, for one, I’m pretty sure coffee’s acidic which isn’t any better, and for two, bitter stuff makes me wanna puke. So that’s out too.
So the only option left to me was to die. Except I actually don’t want to die right now. For once, I haven’t been particularly suicidal lately. (I mean, the ideation has been there in the background, but I’ve been depressed for more than half my life now, it’s probably always gonna be lurking there in the background.) I have so many things I’m looking forward to reading! And even writing, and maybe drawing, plus origami is fun! But yeah, mostly reading.
No Book, No Life.
I’ll stop eating candy (had already reduced the amount), and sugary snacks and breakfast foods, and I won’t drink any more hot chocolate and iced lattes and whatever, and I’ll cut down (some more) on sodas—though I can’t cut them out completely because I reuse the bottles to make lemonade in (from a powder) because the water bottles we buy have caps that are way too flimsy and I have an undue amount of trouble closing them properly. It’s bad enough when all that’s in there is water, but when I’m trying to make lemonade? I can’t guarantee cutting down on lemonade and fruit juice though except by drinking less, which I can probably do. (Obviously the health of your teeth is more important than your overall health. Who cares if your mental health’s shit or you’re mildly dehydrated and under-nourished? At least your teeth are still pristine! /sarcasm Your teeth are like the least 丈夫 part of your body anyway since human lifespans have increased a lot, and incredibly recently too on the scale of evolution, so our teeth haven’t had nearly enough time to catch up. Hell, we still have wisdom teeth even after our jaws shrank after the advent of cooking, and our backs are still f-cked up after getting off our forelegs since we still haven’t fully transitioned to bipedalism yet! Even if you do everything perfectly, your teeth still ain’t gonna last, so I don’t get this overemphasis. Yeah, oral health is definitely important, but not to the detriment of everything else. Live people can make do without teeth [literally what dentures are for], but dead people have no need for theirs.)
Anyways, if my dad’s unhappy about me merely reducing my sugar intake (again) rather than cutting it out entirely, well, he can stay mad about it. Especially since he won’t lend me his gun (which he doesn’t even need in the first place, but he’s turned into a freaking Republican). (Also, he’s presumably on a diet but he may as well not be because he keeps taking frequent cheat days and also conveniently “forgets” that such and such food has such and such other thing in it. He has zero room to judge.)
(I tossed in the towel when the nausea set in at 23 hrs. The weakness is somewhat unpleasant, but I was used to it from the few times I all but stopped eating [because I “eat too much.” My mother’s words. Even though I’m underweight and actually should probably be eating more, and we’re firmly enough in middle class that it’s not like we can’t afford it, so. -shrugs- It’s probably for the best anyway though with the continuously increasing costs of living but utterly stagnant wages], but the nausea. That was worse than nausea from being ill or motion sick. Not in intensity or degree, it’s like a different type.)
In any case, Day 12 of Advent is the cooking/child-raising (BL vibes but not actually BL) manga, パパと親父のうちご飯
