I’ve been venturing into attempting translations recently - fanart, interviews, audio clips (insanely hard lol), etc
Anyway I am both seeking feedback for a current one (I’ll post in comment below), and thought maybe this could be a place for anyone to ask for feedback on translation or even just reading comprehension.
Translation of a ガールズバンドクライ fan comic (spoilers for eps 8 & 11): original comic. Would love to know if I made any errors, and also if there’s anywhere the English sounds kinda weird (trying to find that balance between being faithful vs being fluid for people who don’t read Japanese)
Page 1:
Nana:
それにしても At any rate
まさか私達みたいに因縁のないヒナが I couldn’t believe that Hina, who has no tie to all this [our past with Momoka]
あんなにあの子達を意識してるとはね is so conscious of that girl [Nina] and her bandmates
ヒナ？ Hina?
Hina:
知てました I know her
知らない子って言いましたけど あのボーカルの子 I said I didn’t know her before, but… that vocalist girl
友達だったんです. 絶交しましたけど She used to be my friend, but we had a terrible falling out
Nana: え？ Oh?
Hina:
損得考えずに突っ走って She was just wildly running in, not thinking of the consequences [lit: loss and gain]
振りかざした正義も 掻き消されて Brandishing “justice”, drowning everything out
悲劇のヒロイン気取って pretending to be the heroine of a tragic story
馬鹿みたいに不器用で見てられなかった I couldn’t watch her behave like an idiot, making such a mess of things [1]
Page 2
Hina:
でも、あのとき思ったんです But back then [episode 8], I thought to myself
私の知ってる仁奈じゃないって She wasn’t the Nina I knew back then
根っこはちょっとも変わってないけど At the core, she hasn’t changed at all, but
一人で藻掻いてたあの時と違う She was different from back then, when she was acting so frantically
最高のパーティ引き連れてラスボス倒して行ってやるって顔で She made a face like she was bringing the highest level party to defeat the final boss
Rin:
それは私達もでしょ？ Aren’t we in the same position?
叩かれに叩かれて exchanging blows with each other / both talking big [2]
Hina:
歌が下手だの、ギターも下手だの、穴埋め要員だの、ダイヤモンドダストのタスト担当だの…！ [quoting critics] “Her singing’s terrible, she sucks at guitar; she’s just a fill-in; she’s responsible for the ‘dust’ in Diamond Dust”
Rin: どうどう nice imitation / let’s not get too worked up [3]
Ai: それでも…私達はここに立ってるんだから Despite that, we’re still standing here together now
Hina:
そうですね Yeah, you’re right
あの子とは…「友達」なんて簡単に関係には戻れないかもしれないけど Me & her - we probably can’t simply go back to being friends again, but
最高のライバルにはなれる気がします I feel like she’s become my ultimate rival now
Notes:
1 I’m slightly unsure of my translation here
2 I wasn’t sure how to translate this 叩くcan mean “to strike; abuse, bash, flame; brag, talk big; etc)
3 どうどう can be something like “magnificent, grand, unashamed, brazenly” but it could also mean “going with, accompanying”… It can also mean “Whoa! (like for stopping/quieting a horse)”. So I wasn’t sure how to translate this
So I’ve taken a look; my feedback may not be all that helpful, since I lack a lot of the context not being familiar with the characters/situation, so take this all with many, many grains of salt. Text bubble size would also potentially be an issue with some of my suggestions.
Page 1:
Nana:
それにしても At any rate
まさか私達みたいに因縁のないヒナが I couldn’t believe that Hina, who has no tie to all this [our past with Momoka]
あんなにあの子達を意識してるとはね is so conscious of that girl [Nina] and her bandmates
[These first bubbles are actually pretty hard for me to suggest corrections; without context, I’m reading them as something quite different from what you have here, so I might be completely off base. I do recommend changing that “couldn’t” to “can’t” to match tense, at least. Here’s how I read it, again sans context:]
I can’t believe that Hina is as in-tune with the crowd as us,
despite her being so new. [1]
[1] Really difficult to guess a translation for 因縁のない here for me; I’m reading it as it being surprising Hina did so well despite not having a proven track record, as opposed to the band member currently speaking.
ヒナ？ Hina?
Hina:
知てました I know her
知らない子って言いましたけど あのボーカルの子 I said I didn’t know her before, but… that vocalist. girl
友達だったんです. 絶交しましたけど She used to be my friend, but we had a terrible falling out
Nana: え？ Oh?
Hina:
損得考えずに突っ走って She was just wildly running in, not thinking of the consequences [lit: loss and gain]
振りかざした正義も 掻き消されて Brandishing “justice”, drowning everything out
[Note: the word in the comic is 正論, not 正義. So I would re-translate as:]
She would just charge ahead blindly without looking at the bigger picture,
ignoring any voiced doubts and
悲劇のヒロイン気取って pretending to be the heroine of a tragic story
馬鹿みたいに不器用で見てられなかった I couldn’t watch her behave like an idiot, making such a mess of things.
[I think I’m with you on this translation.]
Page 2
Hina:
でも、あのとき思ったんです But back then [episode 8], I thought to myself
私の知ってる仁奈じゃないって She wasn’t the Nina I knew back then
[Stylistic suggestion:]
“She isn’t the Nina I know.”
根っこはちょっとも変わってないけど At the core, she hasn’t changed at all, but
一人で藻掻いてたあの時と違う She was different from back then, when she was acting so frantically
[Suggestion; I’m taking a few liberties here:]
At her core, nothing had changed,
but her actions differed from back when she was struggling alone.
最高のパーティ引き連れてラスボス倒して行ってやるって顔で She made a face like she was bringing the highest level party to defeat the final boss
[Continuing on from the previous bubbles; difficult to tell when this took place in regards to the previous, so I’m guessing a bit, and it’s difficult to distinguish between two past tenses with no marker to gauge by @.@ I chose to interpret 顔で as “she acted” :]
She acted as if she was part of an invincible party, on her way to defeat the last boss.
Rin:
それは私達もでしょ？ Aren’t we in the same position?
叩かれに叩かれて exchanging blows with each other / both talking big
[Not 100% sure about this either; I have a guess, but it clashes pretty harshly with your proposed translations below. Really just depends on who below is being referred to: the speaker’s band? Or Nina? I’m having a hard time telling without knowing about the history of both. In either case, here’s my suggestion in case it’s helpful:]
It’s eat or be eaten.
Hina:
歌が下手だの、ギターも下手だの、穴埋め要員だの、ダイヤモンドダストのタスト担当だの…！ [quoting critics] “Her singing’s terrible, she sucks at guitar; she’s just a fill-in; she’s responsible for the ‘dust’ in Diamond Dust”…!
Rin: どうどう nice imitation / let’s not get too worked up
[Difficult to say without knowing that character’s personality. I’m inclined to lean more towards the “calm down” interpretation though, given the lack of kanji. Suggested translation:]
There, there.
Ai: それでも…私達はここに立ってるんだから Despite that, we’re still standing here together now
Hina:
そうですね Yeah, you’re right
あの子とは…「友達」なんて簡単に関係には戻れないかもしれないけど Me & her - we probably can’t simply go back to being friends again, but
最高のライバルにはなれる気がします I feel like she’s become my ultimate rival now
[I’m mostly looking at that なれる there; feels like Nina hasn’t become the rival yet, but may/can/will. Again, context may change that.]
I feel like she’ll become my biggest rival.
Thx for taking the time to go through it! I have to say it’s remarkable how much context can make a difference. (Edit: I’m happy to explain the relevant context parts, if you want, but it would be spoilers somewhat). I finished this in the meantime, so here’s what I came up with:
Omg I totally overlooked that, cuz I’m pretty certain the corresponding anime dialogue uses 正義… in which case, I’d probably use something like “morality” for 正論. Nina has a nickname is 正論モンスター (which is probably why the artist uses it here)… Which I use a variant of in some of my usernames… So I can’t believe I missed that 
That seems like a very good choice for that
Yeah you’re totally right on that one
Most of the stuff where we substantially differ is from context, like you said. And it was interesting and helpful to read what you wrote in various spots, so definitely appreciate it 
(I’ll take a look at your comments to your translation in a bit @暁のルナ; you caught me while I was drafting this.)
I’d like to ask for some translation help myself: (Tagging @pyororon since they’re familiar with the context, though anyone’s welcome if they have advice.)
レオ：アロンソ様、私が手伝います。早くお着替えを。
アロンソ：すまないな、レオ。面倒をかけるつもりはなかったんだが。
レオ：最初からその気なら、私だって指一本動かしませんよ。とにかく、呑み比べは金輪際お断りです。
アロンソ：絶対に？
レオ：軽蔑して欲しいんですか？
アロンソ：やれやれ。ちょっとした軽口も言えないのか。
Context: Leo and Alonso were just in a drinking contest against each other when Alonso was pulled away for urgent business; Leo is helping him get prepared to attend said business. Before the contest, Leo (semi?) joked to Alonso that he wouldn’t be taking care of him after he inevitably lost.
So here’s what I’ve got so far:
Leo: Don Alonso, I’ll help you. Please go ahead and begin changing.
Alonso: I’m sorry, Leo; I didn’t mean for you to actually look after me.
Leo: If I really meant that, I wouldn’t be here helping you now. And I’ll be firmly refusing any drinking contests in the future.
Alonso: Any at all?
Leo: Do you want me to think so little of you?
Alonso: Good grief; we can’t even joke around about it?
I’m pretty sure I’m getting the wrong interpretation from this scene, but I’m having difficulty finding the right interpretation. I’m pretty much questioning every line but the first. :S Specific questions; these may not be answerable by someone other than @pyororon, but I’ll jot them down regardless:
This is just me shooting in the dark, since I don’t know the context at all but…
I’m interpreting this more as: If you had intended this (Leo having to help Alonso) from the start, I wouldn’t lift a finger.
For the rest… Did the drinking contest start, and Alonso made a “bad figure”? If so, I’d take the 軽蔑する at face value; “Do you want me to look down on you(r drinking ability)”.
Okay, nice! I’m glad I was able to help a little bit. I figure even if I’m waaay off, sometimes it’s just helpful to see another point of view so you can reframe your own.
Ah, I see where you’re coming from. 
I think I do like your interpretation a bit more than my current.
Alonso faked getting drunk and getting incoherent to get out of it so he could get ready for his other engagement. I think I had your suggestion as a hazy thought in the back of my mind, but re-looking at my translation I wasn’t being all that clear on it. I do agree with you that that’s probably the meaning behind it, though.
Edit: Though that then leads me to Alonso’s next line: やれやれ。ちょっとした軽口も言えないのか。Is he saying that he can’t even bring up the topic, even jokily, in the future? Or he’s lamenting that Leo won’t bend a little bit on the subject? Leo’s next line for context:
レオ：時と場合ってものがあるでしょう。きつくないですか？ あまり締めつけすぎると気分が悪くなりますよ。
I agree with Belerith about their interpretation of the beginning part but aside from that your translation is mostly how this scene read to me.
I didn’t think too deeply about this and just interpreted it as a strong statement of him saying he’d never do it again, like saying 断じてお断り. Did a bit of research on the word and now I’m a bit confused too since it’s not being used with a negative. I did come across some examples though of it being used with this meaning as 「金輪際ごめんだ。」so I’m thinking maybe it also works with negative expressions as well but now I’m really not sure. 
I think you’re right about the subject here. I interpreted it as Leo reacting that way because of how badly this current drinking contest has turned out, with the stressful situation of trying to sober Alonso up fast and prepare him for a sudden audience with the king. Pretty much like he never wants to be in this situation again so he reacts harshly to Alonso jokingly suggest the potential for another one in the future. Then you get Alonso remarking he can’t even joke around without getting a harsh response from Leo followed by Leo’s “There’s such thing as a time and a place (for joking around).”
Sorry if any of this explanation is hard to understand my brains not braining today for some reason
This is the issue I start running into when trying to translate specific things. 
(The drama CD, in this case.) You tell yourself as a responsible reader you’re never skipping or glossing over stuff, but then I hunker down and try to actively understand some of this, and weird things pop up where you just go “what?? Do I not actually know Japanese??”
I think I’m going to go with this interpretation as well until I find something that says otherwise. (Selfishly tagging @pm215 in case they know; when I think of incredibly smart Japanese explanations they’re the name that comes to mind. 
)
I re-read my own quoted post there and now I’m amazed you understood any of it, because I sure don’t now…
Mmm, I wonder if this is the missing link. Alonso doesn’t outright talk about another contest (I think, I need to go back and check the script), but Leo knows he’d suggest another one down the line, and Leo could just be shooting down that eventuality.
Thank you for the help, pyororon; I really appreciate it. 
For me the implication is in the 「絶対に？」It’s almost like Leo said “I’m never doing a drinking contest again.” only to get “never ever?” as a response lol. Overall I don’t think Leo is actually all that bothered it just feels like these two’s usual banter.
Anytime!
I hadn’t encountered 金輪際 before so this is definitely a case of 買い被っている, but I think it’s not too uncommon to have adverbs that go with expressions of denial/negation even when they aren’t strictly grammatically negative verbs.
Thank you for the second opinion! That sounds reasonable to me, so it sounds like my interpretation probably isn’t too far off.
Wild coincidence, I just came across that word in the epilogue of ゴーストハント1 旧校舎怪談 | L33 that I just finished (I understood it from context, but I still looked it up)
Edit:
On that note, the example sentence in my dictionary was just that.
金輪際助けてやるものか
(Meaning that the speaker absolutely won’t help, but there’s no grammatical negative in there; やるものか feels more implicit)
I just looked it up in jpdb, and while most are with a negative verb there was also
やはり奴に会うのは金輪際やめた方がよさそうだ。
